Ek Shaqs

Why is it that every now and then, you come across something, some scene or some tune that reminds you of something that was, and something that is, and some things that could have been? I was going through some random junk on my computer, cleaning up my hard disk, when I came across this lonely little audio file. I played it, liked the opening tune, and so went to look for its mp3 version online. When I finally found it, I just got hooked onto it. While I was listening to it, I started missing someone very special in my life right now, and started thinking about what could be. But, as a side effect, I was also reminded of my past, and some things that I had hoped would be.

Aik shaks raaste mein
Kahin chhoot gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad
Yeh dil toot gaya tha
Aik shaks raaste mein
Kahin chhoot gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad
Yeh dil toot gaya tha

Life is not without a sense of irony. Every step you take into your future reminds you of your past; of events that took place earlier in your life, that you would rather forget, but au contraire, cannot. The past five days, I spent wondering how my future would be. Would it be as it is right now; Devoid of scintillating experiences or expectations, or would it be different? Would it result in the same pain that I had been running from my whole life, the same scenes I never want to see again, or would it be different, and be the “happily ever after” ending story?

Woh shaks jis ke kaandhe pe sar rakh ke main soya
Seene se lag ke jis ke kayii baar main roya
Jis ki zulfon ki khushbu mein raaton main khoya
Jis ki jism ki barsaat mein yeh jism bhigoya
Ik din kissi baat pe jab woh rooth gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha
Ik din kissi baat pe jab woh rooth gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha
Aik shaks raaste mein kahin chhoot gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha

I’ve spent countless hours wondering why things happened the way they did, and why they continue to happen the way they do. But unfortunately or fortunately for me, the future is simply a blur, a story yet to be told, and scenes yet to unfold. Have you ever had the feeling of being stuck in a time warp, where you just can’t move, yet want to, need to run out of? This is the situation I’m in right now. Being pulled into this abyss, I only hope and pray that I don’t succumb to the same fate that I just recovered from, that I don’t end up being the same mess I built myself up from. Having spent countless hours, days, weeks, just putting myself together again, erasing memory after memory of the time spent getting closer to someone, trying to kill any form of expectations that may arise, and teaching myself to expect nothing from everything; both people, this world, and my life. Yet here I stand, conjuring up expectations from a devoid, almost ethereal reality. Imagine having to erase someone from your life, after letting that person become your life. After getting so close that you would feel their heartbeat, even if they were a thousand miles away, you have to teach yourself to live without even thinking about them. And then when you have recovered from that state, someone suddenly manages to creep up to you, and without doing anything, manages to make a place in your heart, and you have to teach yourself to not keep any expectations from them, because, once again, they didn’t really want that piece of real estate that you gifted them so generously!

Rehta hoon qaid ab bhi jis ki yaadon ke pehre mein
Hai labs jis ka zinda meri baahon ke ghere mein
Jis ke khwaabon ko main ne neend mein sanjoya
Jis ke ashqon ko main ne apni aankhon mein piroya
Ik din kissi baat pe jab woh rooth gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha
Ik din kissi baat pe jab woh rooth gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha
Aik shaks raaste mein kahin chhoot gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad
Yeh dil toot gaya tha

I had an awesome evening today and watched the sunset with friends. But I consistently felt an emptiness inside; A void that is merely growing with every passing day. I spent the evening missing an all too familiar voice, a tender touch, soft wishful sighs, and quiet, silent dreams. Strangely though, that void was filled up with someone else’s name; a name that I’ve been trying to avoid, to keep distant from, atleast for now. I’d rather not have to go through the duress that I went through merely some months back, but for some reason, my heart wants it. It wants to embrace those memories, and to replace them with new ones, but what it doesn’t understand is that it really is too early to keep any expectations; especially since I have started keeping zero expectations from everything. Strange right?

Aik shaks raaste mein kahin chhoot gaya tha
Us haadse ke baad yeh dil toot gaya tha
Aik shaks raaste mein…
Raaste mein…

I really am stuck in a conundrum nowadays. Should I let myself fall or should I do something to keep myself from falling into this abyss? You be the judge of that.





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